[there's not a lot she can say to that, no amount of 'i don't think you're an asshole' that'll ease that memory for him. because, in the end, it's not her memory to ease, even if she sometimes wants to make his life easier just because it's been so hard so far.
she decides this'll be it; she's gonna leave her cards on the table and he can decide if he wants anything to do with them or not. like him, she's giving him the choice.] Last time I cared about someone, I ended up not being enough. And - you know. [the rest is history.]
I do, you know? Care. About what you think of me. And...about you, too. But if you want to follow after her in the end, just... That's fine. [she's expecting it; she's been expecting it since the first time octavia disappeared.]
[ wherever octavia goes, bellamy follows. onto a dance floor, onto a drop ship, even out of a city he doesn't mind — a part of it has been ingrained in him because of mom, but mostly it's a choice he makes. octavia had no one but him. since landing on the ground, he's realised it's changed. she has lincoln now; bellamy has no one but octavia. ]
[ it looks like eudio's changed that, even though that had begun to shift weeks before he had even been approached by the representatives and pitched an ideal proposal. he hasn't had the time to mull it over as he has over the last several months. bellamy's been fine without octavia, if a little lonely; he thinks that's why she's been confident enough to leave him behind. it's not abandonment when she's leaving him with people she trusts. ]
[ it feels backwards and unusual, swapping places with o. ]
[ bellamy doesn't know what to say. so used to octavia being the one to remind him she cares through her anger or her tears or even her own angry speeches and hugs, it's still different and brand new to hear it from someone else. he's seen it through the actions of the kids, from his warriors to his friends to even those he doesn't know too well. he considers raven to be one of his closest friends; to hear her admit as much, reciprocating it in her own awkward way, it's not an obligation he has to her to linger. ]
[ a part of him doesn't believe it'd be fine. and he knows he shouldn't repeat it for clarification, knowing and not knowing where it'll lead, but he does. ] It's fine?
[ bellamy can't help but laugh. thinking it and hearing it are two entirely different things — bellamy knows raven doesn't hate him, but hearing her say it aloud, however she does, is odd, to say the least. it's not something he makes a point of going around and speaking to anyone about. he and raven don't sit down and have heart to heart conversations like those people do on the television. ]
[ after a moment: ]
Okay. [ it's said more to himself than her. octavia needs him, but he supposes that, given how he knows octavia can handle herself, has lincoln and monty and monroe and miller back home, believing raven and clarke may need him isn't such a leap. ] I'll stay for a little while.
Great. [so now she feels like some needy person who is keeping him against his will, like it's somehow his responsibility. can't win with raven, you just can't anymore.]
If I stay, it's because I need to. [ "want" is a bit too close to almost opening himself up and looking inside of himself. bellamy doesn't know what he wants. if it's not looking after octavia or something about his sister, he's always at a crossroads, unsure of where it is he wants to go. if he relies on "need", then it's easier. bellamy does what he needs to do — remain slightly isolated on the ark, become an asshole who can easily distance himself from those around him so if he up and leaves one day, he can. he bears what happened inside of the mountain because he needs to. ]
[ but raven's free from feeling any sort of guilt over him staying, if he does. bellamy rarely makes a choice based on what someone else wants from him, especially if they're not o. even though it factors into his decision-making, complicating it a little more than simplifying it, it matters. he just doesn't know what to do with it. ]
[ where he'd opt to tease her, bellamy says, quite soberly so it doesn't lose any of its meaning, ] It doesn't hurt anybody knowing you might want me to stick around.
[there, that should make her feel guilt-free about telling him. she's going to trust him on this, trust that he's staying because he needs to. not because she told him she'd miss him and him leaving would suck ass.
she chews on her lower lip a little, and then adds,] Just as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, then.
[ bellamy feels like he's pushing it. he doesn't usually deal with this unless it's o. no one gets much of him unless they're octavia blake. but sometimes there's things people need to hear — raven not wanting to go back home, raven not wanting him to leave, and raven believing eudio might be dull without him are things he didn't know he needed to hear. ]
[ it's not meant to. if bellamy leaves, it's not meant to hurt anyone. but he's beginning to realise things aren't so black and white anymore. where he'd only had octavia, he now has other people. and his decisions, much like the ones he's made on the ground, have a ripple effect. ]
[ it's not with unkindness in his tone, but a warmth: ] Then what the hell are you worried about? I'll stick around until you find someone who would make Eudio suck ass more than I would if they left.
[ which, the underlying message is: it shouldn't be too hard to find someone to fit the bill. ]
[she rolls her eyes at the wall in front of her, and then looks sideways to where gruff is snoozing, happy, his big belly rising and falling with each inhale and exhale.
she'd miss him if he were gone, her dragon. but she'd also hope that, if she ever leaves (against her wish) (a glitch), then gruff will go back to berk and be happy there. hopefully.]
Who says I'm worried, [comes the warm answer, soft,] nerd.
[ he doesn't believe her, but bellamy doesn't want this to feel uncomfortable, either. he's not clarke, who might push. he's not octavia, who might stomp her feet until she gets a confession. he knows what he needs to know — or thinks he needs to know. he doesn't push. all this conversation does is give him something to mull over, if he chooses to. being so narrow-sighted has driven him to always wanting to dive off that cliff after octavia. but maybe this is the lesson his sister wants him to learn — that there are other people who need him just as much as she does. ]
[ he sighs, and rubs his face with his hand, suddenly feeling tired. regardless of how contented he may feel, octavia's still gone, and the reminder still upsets him. ]
I need to figure something out. [ about what he's going to do, what to do with himself ... it sounds like he's busier when it's phrased like that. ] Just wanted you to know she's gone.
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she decides this'll be it; she's gonna leave her cards on the table and he can decide if he wants anything to do with them or not. like him, she's giving him the choice.] Last time I cared about someone, I ended up not being enough. And - you know. [the rest is history.]
I do, you know? Care. About what you think of me. And...about you, too. But if you want to follow after her in the end, just... That's fine. [she's expecting it; she's been expecting it since the first time octavia disappeared.]
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[ it looks like eudio's changed that, even though that had begun to shift weeks before he had even been approached by the representatives and pitched an ideal proposal. he hasn't had the time to mull it over as he has over the last several months. bellamy's been fine without octavia, if a little lonely; he thinks that's why she's been confident enough to leave him behind. it's not abandonment when she's leaving him with people she trusts. ]
[ it feels backwards and unusual, swapping places with o. ]
[ bellamy doesn't know what to say. so used to octavia being the one to remind him she cares through her anger or her tears or even her own angry speeches and hugs, it's still different and brand new to hear it from someone else. he's seen it through the actions of the kids, from his warriors to his friends to even those he doesn't know too well. he considers raven to be one of his closest friends; to hear her admit as much, reciprocating it in her own awkward way, it's not an obligation he has to her to linger. ]
[ a part of him doesn't believe it'd be fine. and he knows he shouldn't repeat it for clarification, knowing and not knowing where it'll lead, but he does. ] It's fine?
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a pause, and then she lets out a bitter laugh.] Okay, fine, it would suck ass.
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[ after a moment: ]
Okay. [ it's said more to himself than her. octavia needs him, but he supposes that, given how he knows octavia can handle herself, has lincoln and monty and monroe and miller back home, believing raven and clarke may need him isn't such a leap. ] I'll stay for a little while.
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Don't force yourself to on my account.
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[ but raven's free from feeling any sort of guilt over him staying, if he does. bellamy rarely makes a choice based on what someone else wants from him, especially if they're not o. even though it factors into his decision-making, complicating it a little more than simplifying it, it matters. he just doesn't know what to do with it. ]
[ where he'd opt to tease her, bellamy says, quite soberly so it doesn't lose any of its meaning, ] It doesn't hurt anybody knowing you might want me to stick around.
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she chews on her lower lip a little, and then adds,] Just as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, then.
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Who's it going to hurt?
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[ it's not with unkindness in his tone, but a warmth: ] Then what the hell are you worried about? I'll stick around until you find someone who would make Eudio suck ass more than I would if they left.
[ which, the underlying message is: it shouldn't be too hard to find someone to fit the bill. ]
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she'd miss him if he were gone, her dragon. but she'd also hope that, if she ever leaves (against her wish) (a glitch), then gruff will go back to berk and be happy there. hopefully.]
Who says I'm worried, [comes the warm answer, soft,] nerd.
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[ he doesn't believe her, but bellamy doesn't want this to feel uncomfortable, either. he's not clarke, who might push. he's not octavia, who might stomp her feet until she gets a confession. he knows what he needs to know — or thinks he needs to know. he doesn't push. all this conversation does is give him something to mull over, if he chooses to. being so narrow-sighted has driven him to always wanting to dive off that cliff after octavia. but maybe this is the lesson his sister wants him to learn — that there are other people who need him just as much as she does. ]
[ he sighs, and rubs his face with his hand, suddenly feeling tired. regardless of how contented he may feel, octavia's still gone, and the reminder still upsets him. ]
I need to figure something out. [ about what he's going to do, what to do with himself ... it sounds like he's busier when it's phrased like that. ] Just wanted you to know she's gone.
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