And these people in charge will just keep offering it out to the same person over and over.
[ he wants to find something fake in that, in them being too much of a good thing that has a secretly dark underbelly, but samantha hasn't let him down yet. they have, with not keeping octavia shackled, but that goes against everything he stands for now. ]
[ if he was in charge, he wouldn't offer any deals without some sort of labour being performed. maybe that's why he has no power here. bellamy wants to weed out anyone who happens to have something close to hate and deception in their heart. ]
[ he'd wait for octavia if he could. but what will happen to her in the meantime while he waits? ]
[ bellamy sighs. his voice lowers, ] She's gone. I think I need to leave, too.
Don't - [she bites her lip and grows quiet. there it is, the lurch in her stomach, like she's going to be sick. she squeezes her eyes shut, and digs the heel of one hand against her forehead. stupid.
she lets out a slow exhale, and finds that tone that betrays nothing.]
I mean - It's your choice to make, shooter. [create distance. push back.] It's not like anything's keeping you.
[ as if she can sense being ignored, nike walks over toward him on his bed. he doesn't pick her up, watching as she stands on her hind legs to sniff the bed near him. he hadn't expected to make anything of his time here. get in, make good on his end, see the representatives pull their impossibly magical strings and ensure octavia's safety. ]
[ after a moment, he speaks again, ] You and Clarke are here. [ and he has friends, people he never would've met back home as time and space and worlds and that weird magic thing has kept their chances of crossing paths actually happen. but he doesn't think he's staying for them. a good portion of him lingering, stalling on leaving when he'd been so intent and fired up to the first time his sister left, is due to the life he has here with them. a chance to get to know clarke outside of surviving each and every day; an opportunity to see raven actually smile instead of always wearing a pinched and unhappy expression. even though he surprises himself by saying it, he doesn't think to take it back. why deny the truth? ]
[she doesn't want to catch up. the life she has built for herself here, it's so good, it would feel like insanity to give it up just to go back; she'd go back to being torn apart by finn's death, to being torn apart by grounders, and who knows what else. the world back home has never been kind to her, not since the start.
the world here isn't either, because there's always the risk of everyone leaving.]
But you're thinking about it. [she sounds tired.] Look, I get it. I know she's your top priority, always. I know that eventually, you and Clarke, you'll both want to go back and carry on leading our people, saving their asses from trouble and all...
[but i don't. i don't anymore, and if that makes me a horrible, selfish bitch, well. she continues, after a pause,] I'd get it, if you left, but...
[ raven doesn't know — and he knows she doesn't know. it's not surprising she doesn't know clarke's left. after everything, she's gone. he doesn't know if she's going to come back. he doesn't know if he's going to try and bring her back. all he knows is that he had thought he'd give her space, respect her decision, and make sure those gates would open for her at the first sight of her returning to camp. ]
[ it's not his place to tell her clarke leaves. it's only him. he has to go back. he's the only person the rest of the camp has. this only reminds him of it. the others at camp may not need him as they had in the beginning, but bellamy feels like something's amiss. monroe looks up at him like he has all the answers. he can't leave monty alone, either. ]
[ there's a pause before he even speaks again. ]
You'd miss me.
[ he sounds amused. he's thankful for it; the way he states it, as though he wants to give her hell for it, cloaks his surprise. he shouldn't be. but bellamy sometimes doesn't like to let himself believe, let alone think for a second, anyone outside of octavia would miss him. ]
[ it's a hell of a lot easier to relate to someone when they're not confronting him on something he's acknowledged and also ignored at the same time. putting octavia first comes natural to him. it's a habit he doesn't think he'll ever break, not even with time and space. what's new, though, is giving a shit about other people outside of his sister. and that's where most of his issues lie. ]
[ why hadn't he reached his end of the deal and followed her the first time she'd come and gone? bellamy knows part of that answer has been selfish. ]
You're a priority, too.
[ he sounds a little bemused. he doesn't say it for himself; something within what she'd said, about him and clarke going back to lead, he knows she's purposefully removed herself from it. if she knows what had happened in the mountain, he doesn't think she'd ever want to leave. and bellamy can't blame her. he wouldn't want her to leave, either. ]
[ he arches his brow, not that she can see. extending his hand out to nike, he lets her sniff his palm. ] You really think I'd waste my time coddling you?
[ everyone's so eager to describe his actions toward octavia as that, and even though it may be true from their perspective, it isn't from his. he's telling the truth; bellamy's tired of lying. considering he's lived a good portion of his life denying he even has a sister to those he'd want to gloat of her achievements to, he's done with it. ]
I don't know, probably. [she's gotten quiet now. you're a priority too -- that's a joke. she doesn't want to know that; she doesn't want to discover later on that it was as much of a lie as raven, i'd pick you first.
she rubs at her eyes and bites the inside of her cheek, uncertain how to spin it like a joke now. like what he says now, and how true that is, doesn't matter. in the end, she clears her throat and pathetically slaps on a:] Thought you didn't care.
[ he shrugs. nike takes this opportunity to bite at his fingers. bellamy hadn't wanted to care about raven's petty drama. it'd seemed like it at first. coming to him, ranting about how clarke and finn were together, being together. he hadn't cared. she'd mistaken him for someone who cared about that. but he'd given a shit about her well-being for more than just her brain. caring about monty and jasper, monroe and miller and even murphy, bellamy had been scared. and mom had always told him to tell those demons he wasn't afraid. he'd shown them, instead of telling them. ]
[ in the beginning, bellamy only wanted to care about octavia. at the end, he's concluded the only way to care about octavia was to be who he had been when they'd been a family on the ark. taking care of himself meant that octavia was cared for, even if he sometimes slips on that. ]
I don't really care what you think of me. [ it's a lie, but it isn't untrue in the context he isn't so sure he wants to give voice to. he doesn't care if she dislikes him giving a shit. he really, really doesn't. it's her problem to deal with; he's come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if it's a hindrance. it's not his. ] I made a mistake. The last time I cared about someone, she threw herself off a cliff. [ and he hadn't wanted to give anyone any advice ever again on how to deal with their demons. even though raven was more mature than charlotte, he hadn't wanted the same for her. besides, he related better to a twelve year old who looked up to him as though he'd hung the moon. ] I was afraid of it happening again. [ of being poisonous. he hadn't felt like he was equipped to care for his sister when that had happened. still doesn't, to an extent. ]
[there's not a lot she can say to that, no amount of 'i don't think you're an asshole' that'll ease that memory for him. because, in the end, it's not her memory to ease, even if she sometimes wants to make his life easier just because it's been so hard so far.
she decides this'll be it; she's gonna leave her cards on the table and he can decide if he wants anything to do with them or not. like him, she's giving him the choice.] Last time I cared about someone, I ended up not being enough. And - you know. [the rest is history.]
I do, you know? Care. About what you think of me. And...about you, too. But if you want to follow after her in the end, just... That's fine. [she's expecting it; she's been expecting it since the first time octavia disappeared.]
[ wherever octavia goes, bellamy follows. onto a dance floor, onto a drop ship, even out of a city he doesn't mind — a part of it has been ingrained in him because of mom, but mostly it's a choice he makes. octavia had no one but him. since landing on the ground, he's realised it's changed. she has lincoln now; bellamy has no one but octavia. ]
[ it looks like eudio's changed that, even though that had begun to shift weeks before he had even been approached by the representatives and pitched an ideal proposal. he hasn't had the time to mull it over as he has over the last several months. bellamy's been fine without octavia, if a little lonely; he thinks that's why she's been confident enough to leave him behind. it's not abandonment when she's leaving him with people she trusts. ]
[ it feels backwards and unusual, swapping places with o. ]
[ bellamy doesn't know what to say. so used to octavia being the one to remind him she cares through her anger or her tears or even her own angry speeches and hugs, it's still different and brand new to hear it from someone else. he's seen it through the actions of the kids, from his warriors to his friends to even those he doesn't know too well. he considers raven to be one of his closest friends; to hear her admit as much, reciprocating it in her own awkward way, it's not an obligation he has to her to linger. ]
[ a part of him doesn't believe it'd be fine. and he knows he shouldn't repeat it for clarification, knowing and not knowing where it'll lead, but he does. ] It's fine?
[ bellamy can't help but laugh. thinking it and hearing it are two entirely different things — bellamy knows raven doesn't hate him, but hearing her say it aloud, however she does, is odd, to say the least. it's not something he makes a point of going around and speaking to anyone about. he and raven don't sit down and have heart to heart conversations like those people do on the television. ]
[ after a moment: ]
Okay. [ it's said more to himself than her. octavia needs him, but he supposes that, given how he knows octavia can handle herself, has lincoln and monty and monroe and miller back home, believing raven and clarke may need him isn't such a leap. ] I'll stay for a little while.
Great. [so now she feels like some needy person who is keeping him against his will, like it's somehow his responsibility. can't win with raven, you just can't anymore.]
If I stay, it's because I need to. [ "want" is a bit too close to almost opening himself up and looking inside of himself. bellamy doesn't know what he wants. if it's not looking after octavia or something about his sister, he's always at a crossroads, unsure of where it is he wants to go. if he relies on "need", then it's easier. bellamy does what he needs to do — remain slightly isolated on the ark, become an asshole who can easily distance himself from those around him so if he up and leaves one day, he can. he bears what happened inside of the mountain because he needs to. ]
[ but raven's free from feeling any sort of guilt over him staying, if he does. bellamy rarely makes a choice based on what someone else wants from him, especially if they're not o. even though it factors into his decision-making, complicating it a little more than simplifying it, it matters. he just doesn't know what to do with it. ]
[ where he'd opt to tease her, bellamy says, quite soberly so it doesn't lose any of its meaning, ] It doesn't hurt anybody knowing you might want me to stick around.
[there, that should make her feel guilt-free about telling him. she's going to trust him on this, trust that he's staying because he needs to. not because she told him she'd miss him and him leaving would suck ass.
she chews on her lower lip a little, and then adds,] Just as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, then.
[ bellamy feels like he's pushing it. he doesn't usually deal with this unless it's o. no one gets much of him unless they're octavia blake. but sometimes there's things people need to hear — raven not wanting to go back home, raven not wanting him to leave, and raven believing eudio might be dull without him are things he didn't know he needed to hear. ]
[ it's not meant to. if bellamy leaves, it's not meant to hurt anyone. but he's beginning to realise things aren't so black and white anymore. where he'd only had octavia, he now has other people. and his decisions, much like the ones he's made on the ground, have a ripple effect. ]
[ it's not with unkindness in his tone, but a warmth: ] Then what the hell are you worried about? I'll stick around until you find someone who would make Eudio suck ass more than I would if they left.
[ which, the underlying message is: it shouldn't be too hard to find someone to fit the bill. ]
[she rolls her eyes at the wall in front of her, and then looks sideways to where gruff is snoozing, happy, his big belly rising and falling with each inhale and exhale.
she'd miss him if he were gone, her dragon. but she'd also hope that, if she ever leaves (against her wish) (a glitch), then gruff will go back to berk and be happy there. hopefully.]
Who says I'm worried, [comes the warm answer, soft,] nerd.
[ he doesn't believe her, but bellamy doesn't want this to feel uncomfortable, either. he's not clarke, who might push. he's not octavia, who might stomp her feet until she gets a confession. he knows what he needs to know — or thinks he needs to know. he doesn't push. all this conversation does is give him something to mull over, if he chooses to. being so narrow-sighted has driven him to always wanting to dive off that cliff after octavia. but maybe this is the lesson his sister wants him to learn — that there are other people who need him just as much as she does. ]
[ he sighs, and rubs his face with his hand, suddenly feeling tired. regardless of how contented he may feel, octavia's still gone, and the reminder still upsets him. ]
I need to figure something out. [ about what he's going to do, what to do with himself ... it sounds like he's busier when it's phrased like that. ] Just wanted you to know she's gone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
call.
[ he wants to find something fake in that, in them being too much of a good thing that has a secretly dark underbelly, but samantha hasn't let him down yet. they have, with not keeping octavia shackled, but that goes against everything he stands for now. ]
[ if he was in charge, he wouldn't offer any deals without some sort of labour being performed. maybe that's why he has no power here. bellamy wants to weed out anyone who happens to have something close to hate and deception in their heart. ]
[ he'd wait for octavia if he could. but what will happen to her in the meantime while he waits? ]
[ bellamy sighs. his voice lowers, ] She's gone. I think I need to leave, too.
call.
she lets out a slow exhale, and finds that tone that betrays nothing.]
I mean - It's your choice to make, shooter. [create distance. push back.] It's not like anything's keeping you.
call.
[ after a moment, he speaks again, ] You and Clarke are here. [ and he has friends, people he never would've met back home as time and space and worlds and that weird magic thing has kept their chances of crossing paths actually happen. but he doesn't think he's staying for them. a good portion of him lingering, stalling on leaving when he'd been so intent and fired up to the first time his sister left, is due to the life he has here with them. a chance to get to know clarke outside of surviving each and every day; an opportunity to see raven actually smile instead of always wearing a pinched and unhappy expression. even though he surprises himself by saying it, he doesn't think to take it back. why deny the truth? ]
I don't want to leave you guys behind.
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the world here isn't either, because there's always the risk of everyone leaving.]
But you're thinking about it. [she sounds tired.] Look, I get it. I know she's your top priority, always. I know that eventually, you and Clarke, you'll both want to go back and carry on leading our people, saving their asses from trouble and all...
[but i don't. i don't anymore, and if that makes me a horrible, selfish bitch, well. she continues, after a pause,] I'd get it, if you left, but...
I'd miss you.
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[ it's not his place to tell her clarke leaves. it's only him. he has to go back. he's the only person the rest of the camp has. this only reminds him of it. the others at camp may not need him as they had in the beginning, but bellamy feels like something's amiss. monroe looks up at him like he has all the answers. he can't leave monty alone, either. ]
[ there's a pause before he even speaks again. ]
You'd miss me.
[ he sounds amused. he's thankful for it; the way he states it, as though he wants to give her hell for it, cloaks his surprise. he shouldn't be. but bellamy sometimes doesn't like to let himself believe, let alone think for a second, anyone outside of octavia would miss him. ]
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Like anyone'd miss a pain in their ass.
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[ it's a hell of a lot easier to relate to someone when they're not confronting him on something he's acknowledged and also ignored at the same time. putting octavia first comes natural to him. it's a habit he doesn't think he'll ever break, not even with time and space. what's new, though, is giving a shit about other people outside of his sister. and that's where most of his issues lie. ]
[ why hadn't he reached his end of the deal and followed her the first time she'd come and gone? bellamy knows part of that answer has been selfish. ]
You're a priority, too.
[ he sounds a little bemused. he doesn't say it for himself; something within what she'd said, about him and clarke going back to lead, he knows she's purposefully removed herself from it. if she knows what had happened in the mountain, he doesn't think she'd ever want to leave. and bellamy can't blame her. he wouldn't want her to leave, either. ]
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she's speechless for a moment (enjoy that.) and then she tries not to let her voice crack,]
Yeah right. You don't have to coddle me.
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[ everyone's so eager to describe his actions toward octavia as that, and even though it may be true from their perspective, it isn't from his. he's telling the truth; bellamy's tired of lying. considering he's lived a good portion of his life denying he even has a sister to those he'd want to gloat of her achievements to, he's done with it. ]
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she rubs at her eyes and bites the inside of her cheek, uncertain how to spin it like a joke now. like what he says now, and how true that is, doesn't matter. in the end, she clears her throat and pathetically slaps on a:] Thought you didn't care.
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[ in the beginning, bellamy only wanted to care about octavia. at the end, he's concluded the only way to care about octavia was to be who he had been when they'd been a family on the ark. taking care of himself meant that octavia was cared for, even if he sometimes slips on that. ]
I don't really care what you think of me. [ it's a lie, but it isn't untrue in the context he isn't so sure he wants to give voice to. he doesn't care if she dislikes him giving a shit. he really, really doesn't. it's her problem to deal with; he's come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if it's a hindrance. it's not his. ] I made a mistake. The last time I cared about someone, she threw herself off a cliff. [ and he hadn't wanted to give anyone any advice ever again on how to deal with their demons. even though raven was more mature than charlotte, he hadn't wanted the same for her. besides, he related better to a twelve year old who looked up to him as though he'd hung the moon. ] I was afraid of it happening again. [ of being poisonous. he hadn't felt like he was equipped to care for his sister when that had happened. still doesn't, to an extent. ]
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she decides this'll be it; she's gonna leave her cards on the table and he can decide if he wants anything to do with them or not. like him, she's giving him the choice.] Last time I cared about someone, I ended up not being enough. And - you know. [the rest is history.]
I do, you know? Care. About what you think of me. And...about you, too. But if you want to follow after her in the end, just... That's fine. [she's expecting it; she's been expecting it since the first time octavia disappeared.]
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[ it looks like eudio's changed that, even though that had begun to shift weeks before he had even been approached by the representatives and pitched an ideal proposal. he hasn't had the time to mull it over as he has over the last several months. bellamy's been fine without octavia, if a little lonely; he thinks that's why she's been confident enough to leave him behind. it's not abandonment when she's leaving him with people she trusts. ]
[ it feels backwards and unusual, swapping places with o. ]
[ bellamy doesn't know what to say. so used to octavia being the one to remind him she cares through her anger or her tears or even her own angry speeches and hugs, it's still different and brand new to hear it from someone else. he's seen it through the actions of the kids, from his warriors to his friends to even those he doesn't know too well. he considers raven to be one of his closest friends; to hear her admit as much, reciprocating it in her own awkward way, it's not an obligation he has to her to linger. ]
[ a part of him doesn't believe it'd be fine. and he knows he shouldn't repeat it for clarification, knowing and not knowing where it'll lead, but he does. ] It's fine?
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a pause, and then she lets out a bitter laugh.] Okay, fine, it would suck ass.
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[ after a moment: ]
Okay. [ it's said more to himself than her. octavia needs him, but he supposes that, given how he knows octavia can handle herself, has lincoln and monty and monroe and miller back home, believing raven and clarke may need him isn't such a leap. ] I'll stay for a little while.
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Don't force yourself to on my account.
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[ but raven's free from feeling any sort of guilt over him staying, if he does. bellamy rarely makes a choice based on what someone else wants from him, especially if they're not o. even though it factors into his decision-making, complicating it a little more than simplifying it, it matters. he just doesn't know what to do with it. ]
[ where he'd opt to tease her, bellamy says, quite soberly so it doesn't lose any of its meaning, ] It doesn't hurt anybody knowing you might want me to stick around.
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she chews on her lower lip a little, and then adds,] Just as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, then.
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Who's it going to hurt?
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[ it's not with unkindness in his tone, but a warmth: ] Then what the hell are you worried about? I'll stick around until you find someone who would make Eudio suck ass more than I would if they left.
[ which, the underlying message is: it shouldn't be too hard to find someone to fit the bill. ]
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she'd miss him if he were gone, her dragon. but she'd also hope that, if she ever leaves (against her wish) (a glitch), then gruff will go back to berk and be happy there. hopefully.]
Who says I'm worried, [comes the warm answer, soft,] nerd.
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[ he doesn't believe her, but bellamy doesn't want this to feel uncomfortable, either. he's not clarke, who might push. he's not octavia, who might stomp her feet until she gets a confession. he knows what he needs to know — or thinks he needs to know. he doesn't push. all this conversation does is give him something to mull over, if he chooses to. being so narrow-sighted has driven him to always wanting to dive off that cliff after octavia. but maybe this is the lesson his sister wants him to learn — that there are other people who need him just as much as she does. ]
[ he sighs, and rubs his face with his hand, suddenly feeling tired. regardless of how contented he may feel, octavia's still gone, and the reminder still upsets him. ]
I need to figure something out. [ about what he's going to do, what to do with himself ... it sounds like he's busier when it's phrased like that. ] Just wanted you to know she's gone.
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