[ he looks at where she had stood, and stops trying to wipe his face clean. it is what it is; it's almost better than blood, given how it doesn't stink as that had and it's not as sticky and uncomfortable. ]
I'm planning to leave, Raven.
[ he looks at the back of her head. letting out breath, he presses his back against the counter. he doesn't tell her what she already knows — despite expressing to her he doesn't want to go back and face all of them, he has to. what she doesn't know may chance her opinion entirely, but bellamy knows where clarke's left them, he has to step up and try to make sure their people — the delinquents, especially — are safe. ]
[ where his voice would be rough and loud, it's just soft. ] That's not going to change.
[ resting his hands against the edge of the counter, he curls his fingers around it and looks away from her. ]
It's already hard enough — I don't want to leave you and Clarke, and I know if I kiss you it's just going to make it a lot harder to go.
[She flinches, when he says that; it's like dangling a piece of meat to a hungry dog and expecting it to understand that the meat needs to go. No, it's a terrible comparison, but some times she is just hungry.
She shakes her head, and doesn't look at him. Where she is usually snappish, now she's soft.] That somehow doesn't make me feel any better.
[ he looks at the back of her head, almost in hope of her hair being able to inform him of what she wants. the truth doesn't seem to be something that's satisfying, and while it's not something bellamy likes to give — an answer that isn't some sort of grunt or purposeful bark of an order dismissing the conversation altogether — it's something he's trying to learn to ease up on. being open with people is forever difficult. being honest with himself is almost impossible. but he's trying, and he's given her more than he's ever given himself. ]
[ he doesn't move from where he leans against the counter, remaining still despite his fingers curving and tapping lightly against the lip of it. ]
If you'd rather I lie to you, I can do that for you.
Of course I don't. [Honesty has been a deal with them since the start, more or less, hasn't it? Sure, she learns more of what she's missing as time goes by, but keeping something from her is one thing, while outright lying is another.
It's just not a line that helps her feel better.
She finally stands up, because the cake won't rise faster if she stares at it, anyway. In spite of the tense conversation, she thinks she's being rather civil.] I'd rather it were because you don't like me that way, or don't want me that way, than have to think that in any other circumstances I'd be enough, but not here.
[ bellamy inhales deeply through his nose, then lets it out. looking at the floor of his small kitchen, he weighs his words before he thinks to speak them quietly, ] I'm not Finn, Raven. I don't know if you can see that, but I'm not him.
[ but bellamy's rather keen to compare himself to others — to the person he wants to be and knows he'll never quite become, and the one he has been and suspects he is during every step of his journey. despite being in eudio for so long, he hasn't changed his own perception of himself, and he never really tries to. ]
[ it's always been difficult for him to see himself how others do. whatever raven sees in him, he doesn't think he understands. ]
I told you I don't feel like I'm ready for anything. Maybe you aren't, either.
[The truth is, it slipped out of her hands a while ago, and it only hits her like a douse of cold water when he murmurs that. She clenches her fists at her sides, looks away ashamed and with an angry little tic in her jaw.
No, he isn't Finn. Finn would've hesitated, or gone with it even if it wasn't forever, because apparently that had been them. Not forever.
Somehow she feels guilty, embarrassed for wanting more. For wanting to be enough, right away, to someone. In that sense, she doesn't see it happening in Eudio, she supposes.
After a few seconds, she relaxes her fingers and lets out a sigh.]
Maybe I'm not, maybe I am. [She looks at him again, and clings onto any argument that isn't this right now. Not her.] You plan on going back even if it kills you?
[ that's an easy answer, and it's one he looks at her when he answers. ]
Yeah.
[ the mountain had almost killed him and he'd survived twice over. he'd been stranded with monroe and sterling after the grounders had attacked and the camp had been incinerated, and he'd survived tristan. sometimes bellamy has a death wish, but he oftentimes believes he's invincible. ]
I need to go back to Octavia. [ he doesn't say for, as he often would've. everything has always been for his sister. he doesn't quite know how to live a life where she's not at the forefront of his mind. eudio's begun to teach him how, but he still feels as though a vital part of him is missing, and he's more scared and overwhelmed than he ever wants to let on to anyone and himself that he likes it here, even if it's without his sister. it'd be better if she was here, and that's what he focuses on. while he's taken great care to finally listen to her and let her breathe, he hasn't abandoned her; he has no plans to do so any time in the future. ]
[ but raven's heard it before, and bellamy's said and thought it over and over until it's practically an expected mantra for him. but the expectation he's returning home for his sister's sake isn't the reason why he believes he has to go back, even if it sees him dead. he thinks to tack on, ] For me. I have to go back and make sure she's okay.
[That's a new one. Suddenly it's not entirely everything for Octavia, and that's a new one. So it's for his own sake, which - she guesses that's as good a reason as any. For her own sake, she stays here.
Maybe she should ask for more things, while she's here, and do some good back home.]
[ it's not something he's considered. sure, he's thought the representatives may simply give up on him — it's easy to do, given he does it all the time — but it's never quite factored into his plans. he's come and gone before, and octavia's done so twice. perhaps there's only ever two invitations that go out to one person, and that's it. ]
[ he doesn't quite have an answer and it shows. for someone who's always expected to have an answer for everything, a plan of attack, words of encouragement and inspiration, he has nothing. he looks at her, then drops his gaze, unsure of what his answer is. he'd be disappointed if he couldn't come back. the city's comfortable and it's kinder than the ground, but it's not complete without his sister and their friends. ]
[ it's easier to make decisions when everything's black and white. the moment someone injects grey into it, everything becomes slightly more difficult. ]
[ he lifts a shoulder pathetically. there's uncertainty in his voice, and his words come out much slower than before, ] Then I guess that's something I have to live with.
[She looks at him quiet for a moment, then one more slip, quietly:] I hope you don't have to remember. [At least that would be less of a pain in the ass. Remembering Eudio, and never being asked to come back. Remembering everyone left behind, and being stuck.
She lets out a slow exhale, and lets out a laugh.] Tell me you've got something to drink around here.
[ pushing himself from where he leans, he moves easily toward his fridge. while he doesn't have too much out of habit of keeping his own stock of food and drink light, bellamy has some of the essentials — that includes beer. he grabs two bottles of corona and shoves the door closed with his elbow. ]
[ placing them by the sink, he opens a drawer to grab the churchkey and opens them. tossing the lids into the sink with an audible clang, he leaves the opener on the counter and grabs the two bottles, holding one out for her. ]
[ it's a better distraction direction to go in, even though bellamy's beginning to wonder whether each time they detour from a tricky conversation if it'll show itself again in the near future. he thinks he can understand her desire to not talk about it anymore, but he still lets himself deny it. ]
[She takes his spot by the counter when he moves to get them beers, watching him while worrying her teeth over her bottom lip. This is a mess, not because it's awkward but because she keeps trying to find ways to not talk it out to the end. And he lets her.
Maybe it's one of those conversations that need to happen, out loud. Maybe she needs to stop waiting for him to be bold enough to say 'fuck it', and kiss her even if he plans to leave. (Maybe she'll thank him one day for not doing it.)
She takes a sip of the Corona, and shrugs.] It's okay. [Immediately, she starts to peel off the labels, picking at them while figuring out how to say the rest.]
I like that we're friends. I think I've told you that. [She glances up at him.] You know more about me now than anyone ever has, and...yeah, you're family. And I like that. [She glances down at the label again, peels some more off.] So if you're not ready to start anything, that's fine. I get it. But...I don't think I can handle waiting for it to happen again, so maybe we should just stick to being friends. [Because that'd be easier. Maybe a little painful at first, but easier to handle in the long run, than to wait and to pine for him. Nobody likes being rejected that much, anyway.]
[ he takes a long sip of his beer, his eyes on her, watching her peel at the label, before he looks away. he leans the side of his hip against the counter, his hand resting on the surface as he hold the cold beer in his other hand. and he ends up looking down at it briefly when she talks — it's more than what she's given him in the past. it isn't surprising to him she doesn't leave it alone; bellamy's the type to break a machine and leave it be, but he suspects raven's always liked to keep her hands busy, fixing away until she's either successful or proven to be dealing with something that's determined to never work again. he's never quite had the experience she's had with relationships, only ever keeping his hands busy with ensuring the one he has with octavia is as good as it can be. ]
[ he looks up at her with a small smile. ] I like that we're friends, too. [ it's a long way from how they'd started on the ground, but bellamy doesn't really see himself without raven in his peripherals. and he's comfortable enough to admit that without needing to be pushed by someone else's hands or his own. but it's everything thereafter he does. being open isn't something he does well or knows how to be, and what raven wants from him is something he's never been confident in giving. ]
[ he places his beer on the countertop, and lets it slide, as though he's trying to draw a line with the condensation of the glass. ] You and Clarke are important to me. I really wouldn't have stayed for as long as I have if you two weren't here. You have to know that.
[ thinking to leave it at that, he knows he can't. after using his time to run away from how he's begun to feel — comfortable in eudio, relaxed at the realisation there's no war, warmed every time raven hovers a little too close — he supposes he has to corner himself now. his gaze flickers up to her, then he looks down at the counter again. ] But I don't know if I can give you what you want. I guess it's something I have to figure out. [ now that it's on the table; on the ark it hadn't been a possibility, let alone something he could've entertained and even chased after. though he'd dabbled in something with gina, they hadn't been tethered so tightly together as he believes himself to be with clarke and raven. ]
[ looking at her from the corner of his eye, his voice remains low. he isn't so sure of how he sounds, but he's only begun to untangle everything he's hoped would untangle itself without his fingers needing to pull it apart. it's not surprising raven's ahead of him; it's ironic, given what he knows and she doesn't when it comes to home. but he doesn't smile at the thought. licking his bottom lip, he lifts his gaze to hers. ] I don't want to use you to complete my deal here. I want to, but I don't want you to think anything I do is to get myself out of here.
[Despite her truce and consequent peacemaking with Clarke, it still makes her hackles rise to hear them both put in the same group, after she's bared her heart out. It makes her wonder if she's not the only one, if maybe something happened there -- (too, a bitter part of her adds) -- and it does one more thing.
It's ugly of her to grab onto that small detail (you and Clarke and you two) and let it fester and feed the idea that this settles it. He may not be Finn, but he doesn't get it here, because if he really got her he'd know better than to bring Clarke up just this once.
So that settles it, doesn't it? Just friends. It should be easy; they managed to become good friends after having sex, so it should be easy.
She takes a sip of the beer.] You gotta do your thing, I guess. It's your right and I respect that, but please - don't tell me what you think I'm ready for or not. That's my choice.
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I'm planning to leave, Raven.
[ he looks at the back of her head. letting out breath, he presses his back against the counter. he doesn't tell her what she already knows — despite expressing to her he doesn't want to go back and face all of them, he has to. what she doesn't know may chance her opinion entirely, but bellamy knows where clarke's left them, he has to step up and try to make sure their people — the delinquents, especially — are safe. ]
[ where his voice would be rough and loud, it's just soft. ] That's not going to change.
[ resting his hands against the edge of the counter, he curls his fingers around it and looks away from her. ]
It's already hard enough — I don't want to leave you and Clarke, and I know if I kiss you it's just going to make it a lot harder to go.
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She shakes her head, and doesn't look at him. Where she is usually snappish, now she's soft.] That somehow doesn't make me feel any better.
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[ he doesn't move from where he leans against the counter, remaining still despite his fingers curving and tapping lightly against the lip of it. ]
If you'd rather I lie to you, I can do that for you.
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It's just not a line that helps her feel better.
She finally stands up, because the cake won't rise faster if she stares at it, anyway. In spite of the tense conversation, she thinks she's being rather civil.] I'd rather it were because you don't like me that way, or don't want me that way, than have to think that in any other circumstances I'd be enough, but not here.
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[ but bellamy's rather keen to compare himself to others — to the person he wants to be and knows he'll never quite become, and the one he has been and suspects he is during every step of his journey. despite being in eudio for so long, he hasn't changed his own perception of himself, and he never really tries to. ]
[ it's always been difficult for him to see himself how others do. whatever raven sees in him, he doesn't think he understands. ]
I told you I don't feel like I'm ready for anything. Maybe you aren't, either.
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No, he isn't Finn. Finn would've hesitated, or gone with it even if it wasn't forever, because apparently that had been them. Not forever.
Somehow she feels guilty, embarrassed for wanting more. For wanting to be enough, right away, to someone. In that sense, she doesn't see it happening in Eudio, she supposes.
After a few seconds, she relaxes her fingers and lets out a sigh.]
Maybe I'm not, maybe I am. [She looks at him again, and clings onto any argument that isn't this right now. Not her.] You plan on going back even if it kills you?
no subject
Yeah.
[ the mountain had almost killed him and he'd survived twice over. he'd been stranded with monroe and sterling after the grounders had attacked and the camp had been incinerated, and he'd survived tristan. sometimes bellamy has a death wish, but he oftentimes believes he's invincible. ]
I need to go back to Octavia. [ he doesn't say for, as he often would've. everything has always been for his sister. he doesn't quite know how to live a life where she's not at the forefront of his mind. eudio's begun to teach him how, but he still feels as though a vital part of him is missing, and he's more scared and overwhelmed than he ever wants to let on to anyone and himself that he likes it here, even if it's without his sister. it'd be better if she was here, and that's what he focuses on. while he's taken great care to finally listen to her and let her breathe, he hasn't abandoned her; he has no plans to do so any time in the future. ]
[ but raven's heard it before, and bellamy's said and thought it over and over until it's practically an expected mantra for him. but the expectation he's returning home for his sister's sake isn't the reason why he believes he has to go back, even if it sees him dead. he thinks to tack on, ] For me. I have to go back and make sure she's okay.
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Maybe she should ask for more things, while she's here, and do some good back home.]
And if you never come back?
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[ he doesn't quite have an answer and it shows. for someone who's always expected to have an answer for everything, a plan of attack, words of encouragement and inspiration, he has nothing. he looks at her, then drops his gaze, unsure of what his answer is. he'd be disappointed if he couldn't come back. the city's comfortable and it's kinder than the ground, but it's not complete without his sister and their friends. ]
[ it's easier to make decisions when everything's black and white. the moment someone injects grey into it, everything becomes slightly more difficult. ]
[ he lifts a shoulder pathetically. there's uncertainty in his voice, and his words come out much slower than before, ] Then I guess that's something I have to live with.
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She lets out a slow exhale, and lets out a laugh.] Tell me you've got something to drink around here.
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[ pushing himself from where he leans, he moves easily toward his fridge. while he doesn't have too much out of habit of keeping his own stock of food and drink light, bellamy has some of the essentials — that includes beer. he grabs two bottles of corona and shoves the door closed with his elbow. ]
[ placing them by the sink, he opens a drawer to grab the churchkey and opens them. tossing the lids into the sink with an audible clang, he leaves the opener on the counter and grabs the two bottles, holding one out for her. ]
[ it's a better distraction direction to go in, even though bellamy's beginning to wonder whether each time they detour from a tricky conversation if it'll show itself again in the near future. he thinks he can understand her desire to not talk about it anymore, but he still lets himself deny it. ]
Hope you like this stuff.
no subject
Maybe it's one of those conversations that need to happen, out loud. Maybe she needs to stop waiting for him to be bold enough to say 'fuck it', and kiss her even if he plans to leave. (Maybe she'll thank him one day for not doing it.)
She takes a sip of the Corona, and shrugs.] It's okay. [Immediately, she starts to peel off the labels, picking at them while figuring out how to say the rest.]
I like that we're friends. I think I've told you that. [She glances up at him.] You know more about me now than anyone ever has, and...yeah, you're family. And I like that. [She glances down at the label again, peels some more off.] So if you're not ready to start anything, that's fine. I get it. But...I don't think I can handle waiting for it to happen again, so maybe we should just stick to being friends. [Because that'd be easier. Maybe a little painful at first, but easier to handle in the long run, than to wait and to pine for him. Nobody likes being rejected that much, anyway.]
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[ he looks up at her with a small smile. ] I like that we're friends, too. [ it's a long way from how they'd started on the ground, but bellamy doesn't really see himself without raven in his peripherals. and he's comfortable enough to admit that without needing to be pushed by someone else's hands or his own. but it's everything thereafter he does. being open isn't something he does well or knows how to be, and what raven wants from him is something he's never been confident in giving. ]
[ he places his beer on the countertop, and lets it slide, as though he's trying to draw a line with the condensation of the glass. ] You and Clarke are important to me. I really wouldn't have stayed for as long as I have if you two weren't here. You have to know that.
[ thinking to leave it at that, he knows he can't. after using his time to run away from how he's begun to feel — comfortable in eudio, relaxed at the realisation there's no war, warmed every time raven hovers a little too close — he supposes he has to corner himself now. his gaze flickers up to her, then he looks down at the counter again. ] But I don't know if I can give you what you want. I guess it's something I have to figure out. [ now that it's on the table; on the ark it hadn't been a possibility, let alone something he could've entertained and even chased after. though he'd dabbled in something with gina, they hadn't been tethered so tightly together as he believes himself to be with clarke and raven. ]
[ looking at her from the corner of his eye, his voice remains low. he isn't so sure of how he sounds, but he's only begun to untangle everything he's hoped would untangle itself without his fingers needing to pull it apart. it's not surprising raven's ahead of him; it's ironic, given what he knows and she doesn't when it comes to home. but he doesn't smile at the thought. licking his bottom lip, he lifts his gaze to hers. ] I don't want to use you to complete my deal here. I want to, but I don't want you to think anything I do is to get myself out of here.
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It's ugly of her to grab onto that small detail (you and Clarke and you two) and let it fester and feed the idea that this settles it. He may not be Finn, but he doesn't get it here, because if he really got her he'd know better than to bring Clarke up just this once.
So that settles it, doesn't it? Just friends. It should be easy; they managed to become good friends after having sex, so it should be easy.
She takes a sip of the beer.] You gotta do your thing, I guess. It's your right and I respect that, but please - don't tell me what you think I'm ready for or not. That's my choice.